Vertical Expectations

Seventy percent of couples that enter the counseling process hope the process will change their spouse. They believe that if their spouse changes, then their marriage will be just fine. The problem with this is that both partners think this. They begin to have “horizontal expectations”. For example, a wife might say “If you would just fix more things around the house we wouldn’t argue as much!” A husband may say, “I wouldn’t get so mad if you would just keep the house cleaner.” The problem continues to grow from here. When their spouse doesn’t meet their expectations, they begin to grow more distant. The more they experience unmet horizontal expectations, the farther they drift apart.

Having vertical expectations instead can be very helpful to both marriage partners. Vertical expectations are between one partner and God. It is how they view God in Heaven; they can look to Him and call on Him to help them be all that God has called them to be in their marriage. With His strength they can work on areas of their marriage where they might be struggling or unsuccessful. These are vertical expectations between God and individuals in a marriage.

Paul wrote that we should cloth ourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. He went on to write that the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what ties us altogether in perfect harmony. (Col.3, 12-14) These are good examples of Vertical Expectations. If someone is not showing mercy or kindness to their spouse, the expectation is that they can ask God to help them show more mercy and kindness. If they have been lacking in gentleness or patience they can call on the Lord for His help to sow gentleness and patience into their marriage. If they have been lacking in love, they can beseech God in the name of Jesus to help them express more love to their spouse.

Another example comes as Paul continues in Colossians 3: “And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace.  And always be thankful. Let the words of Christ in all their richness, live in your hearts and make you wise.” The vertical expectation is to go before the Lord seeking His strength and presence to gain peace. His presence can be counted on to help restore the peace He calls for in this passage. Through this, He then provides strength to be responsible in your marriage and work on those things that may have fueled your disquiet. 

Let’s take for an example that I have been lacking in giving affection to my spouse. A vertical expectation would be that I call on the Lord for help, wisdom and the ability to be more affectionate in my marriage. Another example would be that if I am not talking about how I feel in my marriage, I could call on Jesus to help me to communicate more. If I am harboring anger toward my spouse, I can call on Jesus to help me forgive.

         If both marriage partners embrace vertical expectations it will lead to two very important outcomes. First, they will grow closer to each other; and second and most importantly, they will grow closer to God.